Last week I wrote about how in-laws affect the marriage and received the following comment:

“O My heather,

You are so lucky i have been with my husband 5yrs married for 2yrs,loved and adored by my husband His mother not so much. I have done everything to please this woman from day one she has put a wedge between me and my husband,anything that happens in life is somehow my fault she has called and left messages just beacuse she can is how she starts the message calling me every name in the book.  i Fell as though she is Bi polar or something but it puts such a load on our marriage i feel he should stick up for me witch he does but when is enough enough?

when is it time to just cut ties?Im scared to ask him to do something of that nature and then me feel guilty when she dies and he blames me! He knows i havent done anything to make her hate me i have been at her beg and call whenever she asked,for example she called me and was yelling at me because her son my husband didnt attend church he had worked a double at work and didnt want to wake the next morning she called me satan and said i was holding her son back.  i did not respond in a bad way just listend as usaual and at the end of the convo she called me a bitch and hung up!

later that day she had fallen while shopping hurt her leg and was on bed rest! without being asked i was at her bed side cleaning,cooking and making sure she was ok still without an apology she acted as if i was a saint 2 weeks later back in the same mode i am feed up and cant hold my tounge much longer my father-in-law is awsome but as you said he lives across the country and no drama! Does neone have a suggestion to what i should do?”

Response:

Yes, I am lucky now that there’s very little in-law drama in my life, but this wasn’t always the case.  My mom passed away a few months ago and she suffered from mental illness as well.  Luckily, she loved my husband to a fault but there were other issues that caused incredibly strained and broken relationships that unfortunately could never be mended.  I’m not here to lay blame anywhere - mental illness is so damaging not only to the person who suffers from it, but everyone around as well.

One thing I learned through therapy and reading is you cannot be responsible for the happiness of another adult.  If your mother-in-law is set on disliking you, no amount of good deeds will change her opinion.  Don’t kill yourself trying to get into her good graces, but by no means should you go out of your way to make life more difficult for her or your husband.  Some people find that cutting the person out of their life is better but they also find it hurts their marriage.  There no right or wrong answer; only what’s right for you and your husband.  That’s a decision you need to make and find a way to tell your husband in a way he can understand.  Try writing down what you’re going to say and think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Your husband has a situation on his hands to say the least.  He might be feeling like he’s the middleman in a war between the two women he loves the most.  Instead, he might want to consider taking the role of Commander.  The two of you need to discuss the situation, but again, you need to make sure you don’t make him feel like his mom is a “momster” but you need to be clear how it makes you feel.  He needs to then figure out a way to keep his marriage (the most important relationship at this point in his life) and his family on steady ground.  You don’t have to be best friends or even really like one another, but boundaries need to be set.

If your husband won’t set boundaries after conversations, then you need to tell him what your plan of action will be to keep yourself sane. Yes you are a couple, but you still need to look out for your well-being.

Be realistic as to what your goals and expectations will be in the relationship between yourself and your mother-in-law, be honest with husband but do your best not to villify her - remember, she is your husband’s mother and that’s an important relationship.

Good luck and stay strong.  I know what a difficult situation you are in and let me know how it all turns out for you!