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Help Me, I Hate My Husband
I recently received the following from a reader:
I think I hate my husband.
I love him but I’m start to hate the sight of him.
We never get to spend time together and I am bitter over it. He is careless with his finances and I’m tired of being a babysitter. I should talk to him instead of writing you but when I try all he has is sob stories. He sits around feeling sorry for himself all the time. He’s like a child.
I’m no angel but at this point I don’t care. I hate that he is financially irresponsible. I hate that I can’t talk to him without him getting overly emotional and deflecting attention from the main points. I hate that every time I look at him he is either sleeping or eating. Frankly, I hate him and I wish I’d never married him.
But I still love him.
What should I do? Take some PMS pills?
Signed, M.
Dear M.,
First of all, I applaud you for seeing through his sob stories. All too often women (and men) will wipe the proverbial slate clean when it comes to the one they love. Now you both have a much larger hurdle to jump - working together to join forces as a couple so you are both happy or working together to go your separate ways. As a married woman, bailing isn’t an option. You have to travel the road together until the end - death or divorce.
No one, not even your spouse has the right to emotionally or financially ruin you. A spouse is someone that wants you to be happy and content. Taking criticism is difficult, yes, but your spouse should stop with the excuses and look for help in his areas of weakness.
It sounds like he is having some emotional issues he needs to work on and as his wife, you need to support him in getting the help he needs. If finances or insurance coverage are a problem, I would contact social services in your area to see if there is some low cost counseling he can attend and once you’re ready to give it a shot, couple counseling. Another option is counseling through a church, if you are comfortable with that option. This really isn’t something you can go alone. Everyone needs help every now and again - there’s no shame in admitting to it. It might not even hurt for you to find someone outside your circle of family and friends to talk to about this. If not counseling, look for online groups to get your feelings out. You need to get that anger out because it’s not going to help move your relationship in the right direction.
You also mentioned you don’t get to spend any time together. That is a big deal. If it means you have to go with a less sleep, do anything you can to get back some special time with your husband. Who knows, you might just remember what you liked about your husband before you got married
It’s not a good idea to just give up on your marriage when your emotions are running so high and if you do decide to end the marriage, you should be in a good place emotionally.
I know this is hard for you because you love him. Love is a good foundation and I hope that with some help you can remember why you married him. Good luck to you and I hope that together you two can find a solution where you both can be happy in your lives.
I am not married just going to, but reading your stories makes me feel like maybe I shouldn’t.. it seems like even true love marriages all end up pretty much the same .. :(((
I have a suggestion for M that may or may not be possible. Get a job! My biggest concern is the financial stability of the household. Without it, everybody in the family goes downhill at an increasingly higher rate of speed. This way too, M can lighten the load that her husband has and give him a little breathing room. A job will also give M a new lease on life. “From your first day on the job M, you will have a new and improved outlook.” This new job of M’s may also allow him to ’self-correct’.
As for never having time alone together, it is possible M’s husband is suffering from such a low level of self-esteem right now that he doesn’t even want to be alone with himself. Let him have his space for now.