I’m in a co-dependent relationship that takes a lot of energy out of me.  Luckily, it’s not my marriage but a closer relationship nonetheless.  I have to work very hard to keep both of these people at arms length and repeat to myself on a daily basis that I do not exist purely to make their lives worth living.  I have to tell myself that they are capable adults and their happiness does not sit squarely on my shoulders.  Sometimes I need to remind myself that I need to step back and examine my behavior, thoughts and feelings.  I must put it all into perspective or I will drive myself crazy.

I’m sure there are a lot of marriages out there that maybe going through rough points and although I caution everyone from playing arm chair psychologist, I think it’s important to make sure your marriage is one of coexisting as individuals who add to one another lives, as opposed to a codependent relationship.  I found a good list of co-dependent behaviors, actions, reactions and feelings.  If you think you might be in a codependent marriage or another codependent relationship, I’ve found a nice list of sign and patterns at Codependents.org.  Check out there website for meeting and other information.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

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