Information and Links
Join the fray by commenting, tracking what others have to say, or linking to it from your blog.
Your Cheatin’ Heart Part 3- Why Men Cheat
Now it’s time for the third and final installment of my series on cheating. So far I’ve explored cheating in general, why women cheat and now it’s time for the men. Again, there are so many different reasons for cheating, I’m just going to highlight a few. I think women cheat because they are missing intimacy and/or attention. I had to go to a man (more specifically my man) to find out what reasons he thinks men have for cheating. At first he said “because they’re stupid” and I told him that wasn’t going to cut it for a blog post. Then I got him to open up a little. Between him and the internet - here are some of the reasons men cheat on their wives.
- Being “Manly”: This is actually two reasons rolled into one. First of all, if a man doesn’t feel like he’s being treated with the proper “manly” respect, he might look to assert his masculinity elsewhere. There’s also a biology
excuse aspect. Modern man should be able to control that, but their biology does make it a little more difficult than it is for women. - The feel their lives lack adventure. This is a common reason among women too.
- To escape their emotions. The emotional and intimate parts of marriage are difficult on some men. A purely sexual affair allows them “spread their seed” without having to take the relationship too much further.
- Hum-Drum sex life at home. Men are visual creatures. They want to SEE things from a different angle. I’m just going to stop there before I get myself listed as a perv.
So ladies, what does this mean for you? It’s time to take a step back from the wife and mother routine and get back to just being a woman sometimes. Try to spice things up. Every sexual encounter doesn’t need to be a scene from a 1800’s English romance novel all dramatic and soul stirring. I’m not suggesting that you do something you don’t want to do, but try to be creative and do something unexpected in the bedroom. It shows your husband you care about the sexual part of your relationship. Men need to feel wanted too.
Another tip? Act interested in things he likes. Let him take control of a conversation. He may want to talk about golf or work, but be interested in what he has to say. He cares enough about you to share information (which isn’t always easy for men), so take notice. And it doesn’t hurt to compliment him on his appearance once in a while too. Guys like to feel pretty. Lastly, ask him for his help. By keeping him engaged in the home, family and marriage he would would be less likely to stray.
Men, you aren’t off the hook here either. You need to fight the urge to keep your mouth shut, but if you need something from your wife, ask her. Just simply tell her your bedroom concerns (gently). Keep yourself away from temptation. If you have crazy single friends that go out and do crazy single people stuff, maybe it’s time to find a new group of friends. If you are getting a little to personal with Cathy the Coworker, perhaps you should back off.
Rule of thumb for both sexes - If you wouldn’t say it or do it with your spouse in the room, you probably shouldn’t do it when they aren’t there.
Sadly, I know my meager tips can’t help all marriages. Infidelity happens to women and men who try their hardest to keep their marriage solid. Hopefully you can cut off cheating at the pass, but if you can’t I only hope you can find a way to get past it with or without the other person.
Technorati Tags: infidelity, why men cheat, affair, husband, wife, love, marriage
Interesting series of posts.
Some of my male friends/ex-friends who have cheated on their GF’s all seem to have a few things in common, typically a lack of forward planning/ambition (eg, “i live each day as it comes”), a fun loving attitude, money problems (eg, inability to control finances etc), and problems with drink and/or drug use as well.
If you were to meet any of these men for the first time, you would think they were friendly, down to earth, confident, easy going, and would not have any idea about all the other things going on in their lives, unless you have known them for years.
Their underlying reason for their cheating would be hard to say, mostly I think it comes down to their psychological wellbeing and their general outlook on life - while not being clinically psychopathic, shares many similar traits to psychopathy (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy)
Of the women I know who have cheated, here are the reasons (as best I understood them):
* a general dissatisfaction with their current life position, long days, stressed, etc. A little attention makes them feel excited again and then what happens happens. Tell tale sign of a woman in this state is constent complaining about everything/everyone around them - really they are complaining about the dissatisfaction/unhappyness within themselves.
* bored with their current relationship or don’t think their current relationship is going anywhere (this has been the reason given when i’ve been approached by the GF of an aquaintence in the past, we used to get on really well, flirt a bit, and it was obvious we liked each other… I did the “unmanly” thing of turning her down as circumstances could have made life difficult if the aquaintence had found out.. (plus I don’t really want to be in the position of splitting someone else up)).
* mummy/daddy issues (abandonment, etc) and/or internally low self-esteem that caused them to constently seek out male attention as a boost to self esteem/confidence. (I had an ex-gf with this, she cheated with 2 other blokes in the space of a month, until I found out and we split up.) Her outward appearence was of someone who is happy and confident, although looking back there were some warning signs that I should have paid attention to.
* similar personality issues as my male friends who happily cheat. Easiest giveaway with a woman like this is having an average 9-5 job, but really expensive tastes in clothing/holidays/cars/etc - almost gaurentees they are in debt, probably have other problems that my male friends had as well. Unfortunatly these women tend to put a lot into their appearance, perfect makeup, hair, perfectly tanned etc, and initially draw the eyes to them because of it..
I think my point is some people are naturally inclined to cheat, and others are not (and it does not have anything to do with looks, eg, i’m sure not all model quality men/women cheat, watch Jerry Springer to see some of the ugliest people in the world who still manage to play away from home).
If you don’t want to be cheated on, then you have to firstly take responsibility for your own actions - what I mean is, when someone else cheats, understand that YOU made a bad choice in choosing them, and not taking a “all men are pigs”, or “all women are hoes” attitude, and then choosing exactly the same type of person again and again.
So, If you don’t want to be cheated on, I suggest 3 things:
1) YOU have to learn to make good relationship choices in the first place (ie, who you choose to have a relationship with)
2) YOU have to make the effort when in a relationship to actually care for your OH, make sure you meet their emotional and physical needs etc.
3) YOU have to make sure you are a “better deal” for your OH than anyone else who just happens to be around - at the very least, you should never ever be the worst deal around - if you gain 200lb, stop fucking, start nagging, and stop learning and experiencing new things together (ie, become boring), well anything is better than being in a relationship with that person. If you think of it that way, your choices and actions to avoid becoming the worst deal around with actually make you more attractive and keep your OH into you, without you even realising it.
In my opinion, two normal people, in a relationship, *both* following those 3 principles will be happy for a very very long time.
Question: Hypothetical situation - you meet someone new in the street/supermarket/wherever, how do you know they have no intention of ever cheating, within 5 minutes of meeting them?
Answer: You ask casually “so, are you married?”, their face lights up and they get out photos of their OH, kids, holidays they went on, etc, that they just happen to carry around with them all the time