Ladies and Gents, get ready for “Turning the Me to We: Part Two: The Christmas Compromise”. I know, it’s a long title, I’m feeling wordy today.

Here’s an excerpt from a letter I recently received from a newlywed reader:

“…The biggest problem I have is merging the family. I don’t look at his family as my family. I don’t know why and I try to avoid it but he is catching on. We are going to visit for Christmas and I don’t want to go see his family. I just want to spend it with my family and he can go with his family if he wants. I haven’t told him yet…”

I’ll be perfectly honest, I think if that’s your decision you need to tell your husband sooner rather than later. I’ll also be honest in saying my opinion is you’re making a big mistake by foregoing your first Christmas with your husband to spend it with your family. Your first Christmas together should be special – the first of many.

It’s hard to have an instant family after you’re married. It took me a couple years to get comfortable with his family too. I liked them, but I just didn’t know them. And it’s a two way street, I know his family was feeling me out too!

My husband comes from a big family where holidays are loud and crazy. Believe me that took some getting used to. My family? Much smaller, less boisterous and strange, but hey, I love them anyway. But do you know what’s good about that? I get to experience THREE Christmases! His side, my side and the best – our side. I’m not talking about the presents (although it helps) but just experiencing how different families celebrate and it helps me appreciate our own traditions!

Christmas is a good opportunity to get to know these people. Without them, you wouldn’t have your husband. They are going to be part of your life like it or not. Make it a little easier on yourself and start the relationship off on the right foot. There’s a chance that if you don’t show up to Christmas you are might mar the relationship in these early stages of your marriage making it difficult to repair.

If it’s possible, try to visit both sides over the holiday. Even if it’s not on December 25th, it’s the celebration that matters, not the date. If it’s not, make it clear you want to spend the next major holiday with your family. I know some people use Christmas as two holidays. Meaning for every Christmas spent with one side of the family, the other person gets two other holidays during the year.

And some holidays take major compromise. In our situation it’s New Years Eve. I dislike can’t stand HATE New Years Eve. Don’t ask me why, it just makes me nervous and unsettled. My idea of a good New Years is making a gourmet meal, watching movies, toasting at midnight and calling it a night. His family LOVES the holiday. For them, it’s a loud huge family party with a bunch of half deaf uncles (it’s funny for a while, then it gets old). We spend one New Years Eve at home and one with his family. I know there are people in his family that don’t understand, but they don’t have to. They just need to accept and his mom and brothers do just that.

One last tip, start your own traditions as a couple. My husband and I save our Christmas for when our holiday travels are through. We come home, go out for sushi and then open presents on the floor in our jammies.

This obstacle is the first of many you’ll encounter as a married couple. Tread lightly and choose your battles carefully. You don’t want the memory of your first Christmas to be one of strife and anger. Whatever your decision, use it as an opportunity to start thinking of your husband as your most important family but that doesn’t mean roll over and give in on everything. There’s a fine balance couples have to achieve and it takes a lifetime to find it.

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