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Turning the Me to We, Part 1
Here’s a letter I got from a reader recently:
I was wondering if you could give some advice on starting a marriage. I have been married about 6 months and it’s going great except for that sometimes it’s hard for me to make the me into we.
I still see my stuff as my stuff and I call it that. The biggest problem I have is merging the family. I don’t look at his family as my family. I don’t know why and I try to avoid it but he is catching on. We are going to visit for Christmas and I don’t want to go see his family. I just want to spend it with my family and he can go with his family if he wants. I haven’t told him yet. Any advice would be appreciated. There are probably other people having the same problem…at least I hope so because I don’t want to be the only one who seems mean.
-Elizabeth (Name Changed)
Elizabeth, you are most definitely NOT the only person who struggles with these issues after the wedding and well into the marriage. I’m going to tackle it from a possession aspect first.
There’s a line from The Jerk when Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters are about to lose everything because of legal troubles and Bernadette says “I don’t care about losing all the money. It’s losing all the stuff.” Getting married is similar. We don’t care about losing our single status, we don’t want to lose who were define ourselves as. The moment your husband or wife opens your junk mail or takes your car to the store we get a little weirded out. Before we’re married, we are defined by all the little things we feel make us who we are. Our name, our car, our mail, our career, our stuff! We marry someone, become a team and we look to the future together, but we’re still defined by and tied to our past.
Because you’ve been married for 6 months, both of you still have a lot of possessions that were yours before you got married. Naturally as time goes on, more of “MY” things will be replaced by “OUR” things. If it’s financially possible, you may consider getting rid of some of your “MY” possessions and picking out new ones together!
It sounds like you are both close to your families. But you have to know that you and your new husband are family now – the most important family you’ll ever have. He is the family you chose. He is the family that may someday create little lives. He is the family you will love the hardest, struggle with the most. He is the family you should go to first before anyone else. With that said, sharing holidays can be difficult, but putting a plan into action early in the marriage will make it easier going forward. I should know – we didn’t really put our foot down with our families at the beginning of the marriage and when we finally set some boundaries with our folks it did go very smoothly.
Think about the reasons why you don’t want to see his family. Do you have issues with them or they with you? Or is it that you simply want to have Christmas like every other Christmas with your family? Remember , husband is Family Member #1 now. But that’s a two way street. He needs understand your feelings too. That’s where compromise comes into play.
I have a lot to say on the topic of what I’ll call Christmas Compromise, so check back Friday for more on the topic.
Technorati Tags: marriage, compromise, holidays
When I read your title I immediately remembered an old Beatles song, composed and sung by George Harrison saying: “Oh I, me, mine. ” It does not seem familiar? The ego always getting in the way of people.Fortunately, love can move mountains and it all ends in a big WE.